Why "Safe" Can Feel So Scary
Why "Safe" Can Feel So Scary
When a client asked me, "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?” I had to pause and take a deep breath. I wanted to be fully present in my response, and make sure that I wasn’t biased with my own past hurt.
That’s when I realized that I can see my past now and extend a lot of love and grace for what I went through. It is from my own painful experiences that I am able to hold space for others.
So why is it so hard to just walk away when you know the situation, the job, or the relationship you’re in is no longer healthy?
It might seem logical to just leave, except that it’s not. It is neither the lack of strength nor an inherent weakness to stay. To put it simply, it is more complex than that. If we really want to understand this conundrum, we will enter into the different areas of our mind, heart and body.
It starts in childhood
The environment we are in doesn’t just affect our mood, it affects our neurology. Our brain adapts and our definition of “normal” can be different than everyone else's. It changes our definition of "home."
For many of us, this starts in childhood. If our early experiences were chaotic, our nervous system learns to recognize "red flags" as home. A partner’s inability to show affection, persistent absence, lack of communication, addiction, all of these, as Elizabeth Gilbert so aptly put it, “smells like a home-cooked meal.”
Even in loving homes, an immensely sensitive child can learn to shrink their needs or give all their love to "save" others because it is the “right” thing to do. In that space, leaving becomes a moral dilemma — tied up with overpowering guilt and shame.
Our Brain Rewires
The longer we stay, the harder it is to leave. Long-term stress rewires the brain. Our amygdala stays on high alert, while the prefrontal cortex—our center for clear decision-making—gets clouded. Eventually, the body interprets "wrong" as "safe" simply because it is familiar.
The hardest truth is — peace can feel terrifying when you’ve been wired for war. Freedom can feel like a heavy burden when you’re used to the weight of the struggle. And Love that doesn’t include fighting or manipulation can feel unnatural.
Building a New Foundation
Leaving wasn't a clean break for me. At first, it felt like I had lost a limb, and I spent a long time mourning that phantom limb. I had to get lost first. I had to learn how to stand on "shaky ground" before I could breathe in peace again.
Even now, I see my patterns. I see the wounds I am still healing. Today, my partner Yan and I are committed to this process. We choose hard conversations over subtle manipulation, and emotional maturity over co-dependency. We are still "workshopping" this because as we evolve, the relationship must evolve with us.
We heal together
I’m not an expert standing at a finish line. I am a guide holding a light so you can see the patterns that are hard to notice when you're in the thick of it.
If you feel "stuck," please know your body is just trying to keep you safe in a way that it knows how. Healing isn't about fixing a broken version of yourself; it’s about rewiring your system so you can SEE with a new lens without the passed on beliefs and patterns. Right now, I know this is hard to imbibe into your system, but you are deserving of a calm and magnificent life - just like every human being on this planet.
Space for Healing
You don’t have to figure it out alone. If the timing feels right for you, I am holding space for you in these upcoming containers:
Morning Meditation Circle | Feb 28 | Tagaytay | Free to Attend A grounded way to return to yourself. Sign up for our newsletter
Heart Healing Group Session | Feb 28 & March 22 | Tagaytay A container for emotional release and opening the heart.
Healing Me: Palawan Retreat | April 1 – 5 Five days of transformation in nature. A deep invitation to come home.
1-on-1 Healing Session | March 13 & 14 | Quezon City 90-minute immersion (Meditation, Breathwork, Energy Healing, & Sound Bath). (Message us)
1-on-1 Intuitive Coaching | Online Soul-led guidance for navigating life’s big transitions.
And if you aren't ready to "do the work" yet, that is okay. A small gesture of kindness toward yourself is enough for today.
Healing with you,
Ness
P.S. Yan and I did something "crazy" and started a podcast! 😆 If you want to hear us Processing Life in real-time, our first episode is now streaming on Spotify. Listen here
