Why Father’s Day Feels Different (And the Psychology Behind It)

It’s almost Father’s Day, and I woke up this morning wondering why this day feels a little different from Mother’s Day. Like it has a different texture to it. With Mother’s Day, it’s easy. We order flowers in advance and reserve the restaurant. Perhaps it’s because my dad passed away 20 years ago and we haven’t celebrated it as much, but it still reminds me of him.

It got me thinking.

When I decided to quit law school and follow my then-boyfriend to the US, it was easier to tell my mom than it was to tell my dad. He wasn’t strict with us, but out of five children, I knew it would make him happy to have one child follow in his footsteps. I was so eager to please him. I felt it would disappoint him to know that I wasn’t cut out for law school, and it broke my heart.

My mom, on the other hand, gave me sage advice: “This is your life. You have to do what makes you happy.” I ran to my room and cried—I have never felt more loved by mom than on that day.

The next day, I mustered the courage to talk to my dad. I think I almost had a panic attack, but I got the words out. I’m sure it took a little bit more cajoling from my mom for my dad to allow me to go. I was going to be their first child to move out and try to find work somewhere ten thousand miles away. I was 21 years old.

Supportive as ever, my dad provided all my financial needs. Even though I was already working and making my first buck, he made sure I was all set. He even offered a downpayment on a house. I never doubted how much I was loved.

Looking back, it made it clear to me how my relationship with my dad differed from the one with my mom. When it came to emotional support and nurturing, I expected it more from my mom. But with how I showed up in the world, I felt my dad’s approval weighed heavier on me. It’s both love, but it comes in different textures.

Why is that?

I did a little bit of research, and it turns out family psychology explains this beautifully. Dr. John Gottman encapsulates it flawlessly in his work on Emotional Coaching:

"Mothers are more likely to engage in what we call 'emotion-coaching'—treating a child’s sadness or anger as an opportunity for intimacy, validation, and deep connection. Children learn very early that the maternal space is where they can fall apart and be put back together again safely."

While on Father-Child dynamics, Dr. Daniel Paquette says:

"Fathers have a unique role in a child's development, acting primarily as an 'activator.' Through challenging play and boundary-setting, fathers catalyze the child's independence, teaching them to manage risk, face external competition, and develop a sense of self-efficacy in the wider world."

In other words, we often seek external validation from our dads and emotional regulation from our moms. Of course, this depends on family dynamics—whether it's a traditional home like mine was, a stay-at-home dad, same-sex parents, or a single-parent home, these roles can swap or blend. But children naturally seek these dual functions. I think it’s amazing how children are naturally perceptive about who to seek approval and emotional support from.

My brain is sending me sparks now, lol!

Father’s Day is not exactly a day where we traditionally get overly emotional. It’s a day where we show respect, gratitude, and formally express how highly regarded our dads or dad figures are in our lives. Don’t you find that interesting??? I certainly do.

Yes, we are still celebrating Father’s Day big time! I’ll always be a daddy’s girl, and even if 20 years have passed, I still seek his approval. I still need him to be proud of me. When I am in that crucible—in the middle of making a career change, a relationship change, or any kind of change that affects how the world perceives me—I still seek my dad’s approval by writing him a letter.

This practice of writing him a letter, seeking his “nod”, gave me the power to approve myself.

I imagine my dad saying: “You know how much I love you. You don’t need my approval anymore. Go do your thing. Be unapologetically you.”

In many ways, I had to find the “dad” within me—the one who gives the stamp of approval.

Whether you have a dad you want to celebrate this Father’s Day or not, I am holding space for you. Mostly, I am holding space for the part of you that seeks to approve your own choices. The part of you that wants to tell yourself:

“You know how much I love you. You don’t need my approval anymore. Go do your thing. Be unapologetically you.”