Learning To Love The Mess

Do you feel that we are currently entering a season of change?

There are many of us who don't know where to start. While some are feeling frustrated that change is hard - even after all the work they have done.

I am here to remind you - and myself - that it’s okay to accept where we are now.

“Let the healed part of you hug the unhealed parts of you.”

Let’s start with accepting the mess. All your parts are beautiful and acceptable —even the messy parts. Let the healed part of you hug and love the unhealed parts. Sometimes, the unhealed parts show up so they can be seen and fully loved, waiting for you to learn how to love all of you.

Do you notice your Inner Critic?

Why does it feel more automatic to be critical than to be loving when we mess up? For a long time, I preferred to see myself—and be seen by others—as a “happy” person. So when I started to feel the lows (a depressive state), I considered it a personal failure or a defect in my personality. Being sad was uncomfortable; it felt like having to sit with my flaws and my shadows. I would ask myself, "Why can’t I just be grateful and happy with everything that I have? Why can’t I be in control of my emotions” [A code for “Why can’t I be happy all the time?”] I disliked that part of me. Sadness felt like a disease I desperately wanted to get rid of. My expectations were so high - near perfection. There was no room to be a mess.

Slowly Shifting

Over years of understanding my patterns, my trauma, and my propensity to be hard on myself, I have learned to be kinder to my perceived flaws. And that has made all the difference. I’ve realized that being an emotional, deeply feeling human is not a flaw. It is a part of us that is reaching out to be accepted, hugged, cared for, and simply allowed to exist. It is often a part of us that has been suppressed and discarded for too long. As we allow these so-called flaws to exist, we grow. We become more emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, and emotionally attuned.

“As we grow, we are changing our skin.”

This process is like a lobster taking off its old shell in order to generate a new one—stronger and better. As we grow, we are changing our skin. A lobster has to shed its shell and wait to grow a new one. That critical point of waiting must be painful, leaving it naked and vulnerable. It must be agonizing to take off something you have been comfortable with for so long, and it must be scary to wait in uncertainty. But it's the only way to grow. We too must slowly outgrow who we were—self-critical, emotionally reactive, co-dependent—and patiently generate our new skin.

Our Ever-Evolving Journey 

A retreat participant once asked me, "Does this healing ever end? Do we become fully healed at some point?" My answer is yes and no. By facing that which we ignore in ourselves, we heal some parts, while the rest remain on an ever-moving, evolving, continuous journey. If we can accept this, then in a way, we are healed, because there is no more conflict within. The triggers will keep coming, continually reminding us that there is still an inner journey we need to take. But there comes a point where it starts to feel okay—peaceful even within the existence of the conflict.

The goal is no longer a mindless search for perfection, a state of being "fully healed and always happy." The goal becomes a deeper intention to live in the present, fully accepting the highs and the lows and understanding that both are required to be felt. To be embodied and whole is not a question of everything going perfectly. Embodied wholeness is living in every moment, fully alive, fully awake. As Eckhart Tolle would say, success is having a perfect moment—a moment where you don't want to change a thing and you are completely at peace with it.

Here with you through the highs and lows, my friend.

Sending my love,

Ness

P.S. We are healing and gathering on October 18 in Tagaytay City. If this feels right for you, read more about our Heart Healing Session.

If you're on Instagram, connect with me @nesslove_coach

Hope to see you again on the journey.